Monday, December 17, 2007
I have to quilts to bind. This shouldn't take too long. If I cut the fabric and get it all on, then I should be able to finish them on Friday during quilt class. Friday is supposed to be my day off, but I'm watching my nephew. However, Brian is off also, and he doesn't know it yet, but he is going to be watching him for me.
I have a few presents to wrap still. Nothing major, at least I'm done buying them.
I have relatives coming in from out of town. They won't be staying at my house, just visiting so that helps.
Brian and I are going to a Christmas party tonight.
Then we are going to a hockey game on Thursday.
Oh did I mention my heater still doesn't work upstairs? So Brian has been working around the clock on that, at least when he isn't working at his day job.
I'm hosting Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at my house, and my house needs a major scrub down. However when you do daycare, it is pointless to do the major scrub down until all of the kids are gone for Christmas Break. I also need to make a menu for the two days, and make a Costco run at some point.
Don't even get me started on the months of January and February. Besides this is supposed to be about Christmas stress.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
This year we spent Thanksgiving with my husbands family. I love them all so very much. Seriously. I get along great with my in laws. The only thing that ruined my day a little was the talk of Christmas.
See with both of our families relatively close we try to do every other holiday. Last year Brian and I discussed hosting Christmas at our house. I agreed. However little did I know I was agreeing to every year of hosting. Not a big deal to be honest, except what about when its my side of the family? They won't come. They have a tradition. I enjoyed that tradition until I got married. Then I fight about the tradition every year.
Brian doesn't like to leave the house on Christmas. He doesn't like to bus the kids around and pull them away from their toys. He doesn't like to drive for 45 minutes to sit at someone else's house.
Me on the other hand. Love it. I have always loved it.
So we are at a crossroads. He wants to stay, I want to go. His parents think we are hosting Christmas, my parents think we are traveling with them.
How do we fix this? I have no freaking clue.
Bah Hum Bug
Thursday, November 15, 2007
In my house, I like to buy furniture that is very unlikely to be seen in anyones house. Same with my jewelry, purses, shoes, dresses, but that stops when it comes to my casual clothes.
That is weird to me.
I don't like to be to out of the norm when it comes to walking in the mall, or grocery shopping, or even walking the dog. I like to blend in, in those situations. I can't stand the thought of sticking out. Blend. Its all about blending and not being noticed. Which makes no sense since I love being the center of attention. I know, I'm a freak, and I'm OK with that.
The whole reason I started thinking of this topic was because Kyle Mclaren. He is my favorite hockey player, on my favorite home team, The San Jose Sharks.
Kyle is famous for his hip checks, fighting, and his signature yellow visor on his hockey helmet. Now if you aren't a hockey fan, you might be wondering what I am talking about. Similar to football players, hockey players wear helmets. Some have visors to protect their eyes, and the ones who do have visors, have clear visors.
But not Kyle. His is a beautiful yellow. He said he wears it because it helps him see better. I personally don't care why he wears it, but I always loved that he did, because it made him stand out. He was different. The only player in the NHL to wear a colored visor. My hero! He stands out, and doesn't care.
Well all that changed last week. He decided to go with a clear visor to try a different look he says. What?! He wants to conform and blend in? Oh the horror! How sad! Wait.....isn't that what I do? Huh, interesting. At first I was disappointed. I mean, it seemed like a really bold move, something that he has done for so long, why change it now? Then I got to thinking, why is he any different than me?
Just because he is used to playing in front of thousands of people, giving live TV interviews, being adored by fans, does that mean he is exempt from wanting to blend? Actually it probably makes the urge to blend in even stronger. I can only imagine the normalcy these players must crave. You never know when a crazed fan will track you down in Target and ask you to sign their shirt (on the back) and then ask for a picture, and respectfully shake your hand.
Anyways, good for you Kyle. I hope you find the normalcy you seek.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Once I start the workout though, I'm fine. I get into the groove, singing to my music, and can finish just fine. Its just getting started.
I do have a goal though, and you would think that would help motivate me. It doesn't. But it should. I'm going to Vegas in January with Brian for 2 nights and three glorious days. Childfree might I add. I'm so excited. Brian and I haven't been away from the kids for a full 24 hours let alone 2 days in 4 years!
Vegas however is full of nightclubs, and scantly clad women. No I don't feel I have to compete with them. But it would be nice to be in the same class. I want to buy some new jeans, expensive jeans, but I'm not going to splurge on them until the last minute. I am also in a wedding in March, with a very form fitting dress.
So if I can just get my butt in gear, workout 2-3 times a week for the next 8 weeks I should tone up and be nice and firm right?
I doesn't matter what I eat during that 8 weeks does it?
Monday, November 05, 2007
This years Halloween was pretty normal and uneventful. We did the normal tour of our neighborhood. Got loaded with candy, and went into a local haunted house.
Whne we got home we seperated the candy, let the kids pick one piece each, then ushered them to bed. After they were saftely tucked away in bed, mommy and daddy raided the candy. They got some great stuff, at least 10 full size candy bars/bags!
We still have two bowls full of candy, and I am still eating eat. Actually as I type this at 9:10 am I am eating a bag of Reeses Pieces! Get this candy out!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
is a father of three children under the age of five and a professor at Carnigie Mellon University and when he found out he had only a few months to live due to pancreas cancer, he did one "final talk" at his university.
It is truly an inspirational video. I really have no words its effect was to strong. Please watch and I hope it does the same for you, as it did for me.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
See I'm a smaller girl, not as small as I used to be, but I've had three kids, and according to everyone, "you look great for having three kids." Isn't that like telling someone they look great for losing an eye or something? But that is another post completely.
Lately I have been in a slump. Which I am sure everyone gets in. I'm 27, three kids, hubby of almost 10 years. Not bad at all. But I tell you, its easier to want to let yourself go, when you have all of this security around. Brian wouldn't really leave me. I do way to much for him. Plus, I think he loves me or something like that.
Lets start with all the reasons its easy to let yourself go.
Three kids is a good one. If I'm not helping them with their homework, I'm running them to dance, piano, choir, or youth group. I don't get off work until 5, and then its dinner, and then showers, and then bedtime. By the time I get them to bed its 8, and I lay down on the couch, watch Myth Busters with Brian and fall asleep.
The gym is intimidating. Have you ever noticed that the only people who go to the gym, don't really need to? I never seen on flabby body there. And let me tell you, I've got some flab. Plus I have no clue what I'm doing. I don't like to sweat in front of people, even though that's what you do at the gym. I don't like to have people watch me, and even though nobody is, I just got over going to the mall alone without feeling like people think I'm a loser.
Another good excuse, the gym is far away. Never mind that while the kids are in choir and youth group two nights a week, I am literally down the street from the gym. On those nights I drive right past the gym to Old Navy and Barnes and Nobles. I have gotten some killer deals on the bargain racks!
So what it really comes down to, is I don't care. It is far easier to makes excuses as to why I can't exercise, then to actually make the effort. Right? Okay maybe not.
I have made a promise to myself to make an effort to exercise, for myself, yes. I don't want to feel like that mom who doesn't care. But also so Brian doesn't have to stress about finding a girlfriend.
Monday, October 15, 2007
My youngest, William who is 3, was playing with some trains in the living room. Brian was in the kitchen, and I was doing something in our room. Brian called me into the kitchen and told me to look at William. And there he is sitting on the floor, feeding a baby doll a bottle.
Now let me say that I have never played into the gender roles of girls not playing with trucks, and boys can't play house. But this scene kind of threw me off. I looked at him, and looked at the doll, then at my husband. Brian thought it was totally cute, and was talking to William about what he was doing.
I on the other hand freaked a little. And I cannot figure out why. Now I didn't go and grab the doll away, or tell him to stop. But the first thought that came to my mind was "what are you doing! Your a boy!" Then I stopped. Why shouldn't he play with dolls? Why did it bother me. Wasn't he preparing to be a good father? (Yes I know, looking way to far into the future) The fact that he was playing with this baby, and being loving, should have made me melt. It didn't, but I'm working on that.
See little girls can play with trucks, and play sports and that is cool. Makes them tough, shows that they are too girly, and can hang with the boys. So if its OK for girls do do boy things, why can't boys do girl things? Is the world so full of stereotypes that we are afraid what our boys might turn into if we allow them to play with girl things? I mean honestly what is the worst thing that can happen?
So while I was ashamed of myself for my minor freak out, it also made me think. Which is always a good thing.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Then it was off to the pumpkin patch where the kids enjoyed tumbling in the hay,
Searching for the perfect pumpkin
And riding the pony
Then after all of that fun, we went to our beach. Well it isn't our beach, but we go there a lot, and the last two years applied this beach to our pumpkin patch trip.
We hunt for rocks, which I keep in a glass jar in my bedroom. We search out shells, and sand crabs, sand dollars, sea anemones, star fish. All of it.
It was a perfect day.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
I have noticed that I get a lot more hits than comments. Hey I like comments! I like to feel all special, like someone is actually reading what I am writing. But I admit I'm as guilt as most of you when it comes to commenting. Sometimes I forget, and other times I just have nothing to say!
But I will work on it if you will. So lets do this. Comment away, even if it is totally random, let me hear you!
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
I have two family members who have battled this horrible cancer. One my much loved grandmother, who while passed the 5 year mark for surviving breast cancer, later succumbed to bone cancer. And my husbands aunt Rita. She is at year number 4 in remission, and doing wonderful.
I would like to encourage everyone, man or woman to do monthly breast exams. It can't hurt anything, and a lot of time in these cancers early detection is key.
You can also fund free mammograms to women how cannot afford to get this important test by clicking The Breast Cancer Site So please not only in October, but all year long, but Breast Cancer smart, and test yourself.
Friday, September 28, 2007
So anyways, I just finished the top of a quilt for my stepsister. Its her Christmas present, and a total suprise to her
The pattern is by Diane Weber called Day Z SplitZ. I tweaked it a little, and frankly didn't care for her directions, but I loved the outcome.
So now I just have to get it quilted, because I don't do that part, I just don't know how to machine quilt a top. Hey! That makes me closer to 70 than 75!
Anyways, lets do a shuffle because it is Friday!
1. I'm not the One -The Cars
2.Otherside- Red Hot Chile Peppers
3.Love Stoned- Justin Timberlake
4.Life In Mono- Mono
6.How Can I Stop- The Rolling Stones
7.Saint Of Me- The Rolling Stones
8. What I Got-Sublime
9.You Don't Have To Mean It- Rolling Stones
10. Let's Face It- Mighty Mighty Bossetones.
Looks like the day of the Stones. Or I need to add more music.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Well as most of you know, I got pregnant in high school. My senior year, and got married that summer. So I didn't go to college. Didn't pursue any kind of accounting courses, or anything that would help me in my future. That is probably the only thing I regret. Can I really call it a regret though? I didn't go to college, but I married a great man, was able to stay home with my beautiful baby, and make a living while spending time with my family. So regret? No. Bad planning? Possibly.
I'm contemplating returning to school though. William, my youngest is three. He is in preschool two days a week, next year, three days a week, and then the following year, Kindergarten. Which means, that unless I have another child, I will be quiting daycare. Which also means, I better find some other way of making money. And unless I finish my book, which I have yet to start, I don't see me being able to stay home and live the leisurely life.
I am picky though. I don't want to attend night school. I sure as hell can't attend day school. So I'm trying to find courses online, that will teach me skills, and also look good on a resume. Are my standards to high? Am I setting myself up for a big let down because online courses are not available? I certainly hope not. While I don't need a degree to make me feel like a whole person. It would be nice to have one in case I ever needed it.
Because I am only 27, and I will eventually have all of my kids in school. I will need to find a way to make money. Even if it is just a little.
So regrets? Nah, but a better plan for the future.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Take for instance the fact that I have three kids. Not a big deal right? Well when you consider the fact that my oldest will be 9 in January, then that makes a little difference. Not to mention that out of all of my friends, aside from my brother and sister-in-law, we are the only ones with kids. In fact most of my friends got married this past year.
Another fact. I have been married for 9 years this past August, and my husband and I have been a couple for 12 years this coming October. Now that means I have been in the same relationship since I was 15! Not that it matters to me. I couldn't be happier with my life, its just a long time when you look at how young I was.
But you know what? Its OK. I don't mind that I can relate to people who are 35 year old. I can still relate to 20 somethings, 40 somethings. I actually don't have an age group that I feel I can relate more to than others. Or a people group for that matter.
Sure I'm a mom, but obviously I can get along with women who aren't. And I do daycare, but that doesn't mean I don't know anything about the corporate world. I'm on the PTF board at my kids' school, but does that mean I can't relate to the woman who hates the functions? Nope.
So I guess while today is my birthday, and I'm getting closer to the 30 something world, I really don't see it affecting me much. Age truly is a number. It doesn't define us, well at least it doesn't define me.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Bill died in his home surrounded by his sons, daughter-in-law, and wife of 30 years. He lost his battle with cancer.
He was a truly great person. I never heard him raise his voice. He loved his family and would do anything for them.
Papa, give Kristen a hug for me in Heaven. Look after us, and help us help Nana, she is lost without you.
We love you so.
Bill Sadler May 2, 1931 - Sept. 16, 2007 Bill died at home surrounded by his family. Born in Perkins, OK., his family and his uncle's family moved to CA when he was 5 yrs. old. Bill is survived by his 2 children; son Randy and his wife Georgia of SC; daughter Cindy Moffatt and her husband Jim of Mc Kenleyville. He is also survived by his wife Catherine and her 4 children: Mark (Debbie), Steven (Tammy) of Austin, TX., Jeff (Rita) and Theo. He leaves behind 3 sisters, Carol, Pat, and Debra; 9 grandchildren, Brian, Matt, Laura, Bryan, Haley, Travis, Jessica, Shannon and Joseph; also 5 great-grandchildren with another due in March. He shared many memories with his cousin Jack. Bill is preceded in death by his sisters, Mary Jo and June, his son Douglas and his granddaughter Kristin. He is retired from FMC where he still has many friends. He loved most of all to be around children. The family thanks Hospice of the Valley, especially Coleen for the special care she gave Bill. A Memorial Service for Bill will be held at Oak Hill Funeral Home in the Chapel of Roses at 10 a.m. on Thurs., Sept. 20th, 300 Curtner Ave., San Jose, CA. 95125.
Published in the San Jose Mercury News on 9/18/2007.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
We did the normal routine, took his sisters for flag salute, prayer, walked Victoria to class, saw the turtles, walked William to class. And he was fine! We walked in and he wanted to run to the playground, I reminded him we had to sign in, no biggie.
Well just as I'm about to leave all hell breaks loose. He wants me to hold him, doesn't want me to stand up, wants me to kneel down and hug him. He was crying and saying "don't leave me, don't leave me!"
But I had to right! I mean I couldn't just bring him home! I did not want him to think every time he didn't want to stay at school he could throw a fit and come home.
So I leave, I give him one last kiss, big hug and tell him I love him very much. Well I get out the door and MY tears start falling! I wasn't expecting that. And no it isn't because I'm some tough mom who doesn't feel anything for her children, its just that this isn't the first time he has cried when I have left. In fact Friday we had a sitter and the same scene happened!
But I cried all the way to the car, then I waved to him one more time. I was heartbreaking.
I'm trying to figure out why the breakdown this morning. He got in trouble yesterday. He flooded the upstairs bathroom by flushing a roll of toilet paper down. Causing a huge mess, and having the ceiling almost cave in on the first floor. He was sent to his room for about 30 minutes.
This morning he got in a tiny amount of trouble. If you can call it that. Julia spilled water all over Williams clothes, and I told him to change his shirt, keep on the shorts. Well he comes down in different pants, and same shirt. So I took him back up the stairs, changed him quick, and heard him tell his sisters "mommy is so mad at me now."
So its possible that I'm the cause of the breakdown at school, which is making me feel even worse, which just goes to show that I deserved every little break in my heart this morning, and the ripple effect it caused with William is my fault, and I will probably pay for a long time.
Great. Bring on the Mother Of The Year award.
I'm going to go cry now.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
*Back to school is great. Kids are on a schedule, and my daycare days aren't so crazy. However I miss my kids and sometimes wonder if I am selling myself short continuing daycare.
*While some think the money in daycare is amazing, I am here to say they are wrong. Sure you make money, but at a huge cost. Furniture never stays nice, I am tied to my house from the hours of 8:15-5:15. I am a mommy to about 7 kids a day. And that isn't including my own. I usually have to miss my kids' parties at school, field trips, and my doctor appointments are a pain to schedule.
*While I complain about daycare, and fantasize about getting all dressed up and going into a nice office, where I get a lunch break, can get off early for doctor appointments, or take a sick day to spend the day with my kids. Daycare isn't so bad. Unless of course you just read my last sentence.
*I have been a very good girl about staying in my budget this month. Granted its only the 6Th, but hey, I gotta start somewhere.
*I'm jonesing for a new bedroom set, and hubby was offered a nearly new trailer for a great deal. However these are not in the budget! I must repeat that phrase at least 20 times a day.
*William is loving school. Loves his teachers, the toys, the lunches. But he keeps having accidents. The first day he did amazing. No accidents, no timeouts. Perfect. However every day since then he has had an accident. And in the case of Tuesday, two accidents. No at least he only goes two days a week, because the laundry for this kid is killing me.
*I am going to a wedding tomorrow. Great! I love weddings! But, I don't have time to get my toes done, find shoes, figure out what to do with my hair, or buy the present. That means tonight I am going to be running all over town, after I get off work, make dinner, and take Julia to Piano. YAY!
*Oh and I also received a load of guilt this morning from Julia, because we can't start Tap lessons until next week, because mommy has a wedding to go to. "You always go to weddings!" Mind you this is the second of the summer. And thankfully the last until March.
*Have a great weekend, since I probably won't have time to stop in tomorrow, if I do however I will promise a shuffle. In fact, that might be all you get.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Lets do a shuffle and see what we get-
1. I'm Sensitive - Jewel
2. I'm not the one - The Cars
3. Lucky- Britney Spears (now that is embarrassing!)
4. Sam's Town - The Killers
5. Bling- The Killers
6. White and Nerdy- Weird Al
7. Losing my way - Justin Timberlake
8. Wheel in the sky - Journey
9. That's what friends are for- Stevie Wonder
10. I will come to you - The Hansons
Wow, well it wasn't much of a pick up, but did reveal two embarrassing music choices!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The hermit crab, that's who. Did you know when they shed their shells to find a new home, take a bath to cool off, or just walk around, a three year old will shout about nakedness?
Oh yeah, and it was so funny. Anyone who came into the house, or would give William two seconds would get an ear full about our naked hermit crab.
Did you know hermit crabs are extremely ugly when naked? Well consider yourself told.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Not so with William. I have been trying to figure out why his first day of preschool had me in a heap of tears before midday.
The conclusion is not pretty.
By the time I was 10 years old, I played the role of mother to my sister, who at the time was 6 years old. We had parents yes, but my dad worked nights, and my mom worked into the night. So I learned to do the laundry, cook dinner, arrange my dads clothes on the bed just right, and pack our lunches for school.
It wasn't so bad, but it could explain why I don't care for making lunches, doing laundry and cooking dinner now. But that's another day.
When I was 17 years and got married I went straight from doing my mother role at my dads house, to my own house and started to do it with my husband. Then along came baby number 1, fondly called Julia. And the constant need was there. She needed me for everything, and since Brian worked nights, it was just her and I.
Then came baby number 2, Victoria. Julia was 3 1/2 when Victoria was born, so she was getting out of that stage where she needed me for everything. Granted the obvious meals, cleaning yada yada, but she didn't need me so much emotionally. She had her friends at school, her dance class, things that she enjoyed more than just being with mommy.
So Victoria was the one who needed me. And I felt complete again. William was born with Victoria was 13 days shy of being 2. He was a lovely surprise, and took up more of my need to be needed. I will admit it was difficult juggling the need of two small children, but I was in my element.
Now that Julia is 8, Victoria 5, and William 3 I'm not feeling needed so much. Of course they need me, but not the need of a tiny baby, or a struggling toddler. They are becoming independent. They are growing up.
I'm not liking it!
Well let me say, I am liking the lack of diaper. (Knock on wood, that William keeps up the good work), I am liking the lack of formula, and the teething. But I sure miss the midnight cuddles, a little baby falling asleep in your arms, the NEED.
As you can imagine I was shocked at the revelation. Only because I am supposed to be enjoying this new found freedom of motherhood. This is when my life is supposed to become easier. A little Me-time.
But who said I wanted it? I think this is how a mother of 3, or any children for that matter, and a wife, can completely lose herself in her family, and feel helpless when the time comes that the need is gone.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
It started out with going to the doctor. Victoria needed six shots for Kindergarten. So the kids and I went to the doctor. It was totally packed of course, with mothers who were doing the exact same thing as me. The Friday before school get all the shots done. Now I had no clue she needed six, and I was pretty upset when I didn't have any warning to give her some Tylenol. But she took it like a pro, screaming of course, but who wouldn't with six shots!
Then it was off to my side of the doctors to get blood drawn from me. The kids enjoyed that one. All three curled up in a ball, cringing and biting their nails as if it were them.
Then off to McDonald's to get a little sympathy lunch for Victoria. Healthy or not, it hit the spot perfectly.
Then off to the pet store to purchase some hermit crabs for the kids. Well that didn't go over so well. I had no clue what to get, so we decided to wait for daddy, and you can imagine how well that went over. Dragging three kids out of a store with no pet. Disaster!
Then home to clean. Which I did. Sorta. See I clean all the rooms that people see, in the order that they see them. I clean the front room, the the kitchen, then the bathroom, dinning room, and so on.
Dave came over, a friend of ours, and while he was here (he has no kids) he looked at me as if I was crazy, because he knows I want another. The kids were running around crazy. William who I am trying to potty train, decided to go to the bathroom. Great! Well I got distracted, and realized that he had been missing for a bit. So I go upstairs to the kids' bathroom. And the toilet was totally overflowed. An inch of water all over the floor! I was beyond mad. Not because it was an accident, but because went through this before. I had 20 minutes to clean up all the water, the tiny bits of toilet paper all over the damn floor, and rush out of the house for Julia's piano lessons.
So I clean, say good-bye to Dave, and rush the kids out to the car. Well Julia and Victoria start screaming that a chocolate milkshake spilled all over the car. OK I rush the car to start to attempt to clean it up, and the passenger door is locked and I set off the alarm. Well I can't find my keys! I'm running around like a chicken with her head cut off, and guess where the keys were. In my pocket. I seriously broke down and cried.
Well after that, the day was fairly smooth. I really don't think I could have taken much more anyways.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Can you please pay a visit to my kids? They are desperate for sleep. I promise to repay you.
Poor Julia, the growing pains are unbearable. She comes into my room in the middle of the night, standing over my bed whispering until I wake. The fact that she whispers into my ear to wake me, and doesn't grab and shake is very sweet. But it also brings to mind horror movies where someone is standing over you. If that doesn't give your heart a jump, I don't know what will. Her little legs are hurting her, and this is the 4Th night in a row. If you help Julia I promise to not call on you for myself.
Now I realize asking for help for Julia is a tall order. But I have one more problem. That problem being named Will. Little Will, sleep eludes him like no other child. He can only go about three hours before he is screaming for mommy. He doesn't venture downstairs like Julia. Well rather he would, but I cut him off. If I let him make it into my room, there is no turning back and he would be in bed sleeping with me. I'm not sure why he doesn't sleep. No nightmares, no growing pains, just not sleeping. And this is going on....hmmm let me think.....yeah about THREE YEARS. Three years, in 20 minute intervals, starting at 2:00am. Now I am trying to be a patient mommy. But this mommy needs some sleep too. See its not like I can nap during the day, you know work and all. So just a few nights of straight sleep would be wonderful.
I realize you are busy Mr. Sandman, but I need some sleep. Anything you can offer would be wonderful.
One tired Mommy
Monday, August 20, 2007
Brian and I have a very interesting relationship. We are truly friends and yet we love each other so much. The two of us were at a meeting on Thursday and one woman said to me, "Even though you have been married for 9 years, I can't tell. Its like your still in the honeymoon stage." And I took that as a huge compliment.
See when I was growing up, and even into my teen years, I didn't have a lot of adult relationships around me that made me desire marriage. Wait let me ref raise that. I desired marriage and a family, I just didn't know any ones marriage who I would like to mirror. No great role-model marriages I guess.
But our marriage.......Is something that was extremely rough in the beginning and yet I couldn't imagine in any different now.
Being married at 17 comes with a lot of problems. See you aren't really mature enough to understand all that goes into a marriage. Granted, I was a pretty mature 17 year old, but I still had no clue. And it wasn't just the duties of being a wife, like housework, dinners, that kind of thing, I thought once I got married all the insecurities, and jealousy would magically disappear.
Boy was I dumb.
I think I became more jealous, and more insecure. Now why I became more insecure is a complete mystery to me. Brian always praised me, never put me down, and it isn't like my looks got flushed down the toilet. But I think I lost myself in marriage, (and the fact that I was pregnant/young mom didn't help.) And the jealousy? Only made worse because instead of losing a boyfriend if something went wrong, I would lose a husband and the daddy of my child.
Well obviously a lot of time spent freaking out, and worrying about being one of those old married couples who don't show affection, even in their home let alone in public freaked me out enough to get myself calmed down and enjoy myself.
So today, we are a happy couple. Who can joke, tease, annoy each other as if they were the best of friends, or dare I say siblings. Yet we also have our inside jokes, our finishing each others thoughts, or personal times.
Are there times when jealousy and insecurities come into my life? Sure! And there are times when I still feel lost in marriage, and motherhood. Where its like I am not my own person, but that is another blog entirely.
But for today. For my marriage. I am truly happy.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Do you ever put too much on your plate? Not food wise, but commitments? I do daycare Mon-Thurs, which isn't too much. But you can bet by the end of the day that I am tired. But on top of that, I signed up for a bible study on Wednesday nights. I am the Treasurer of our PTF (which is the same as the PTF) at my kids' school, we serve Communion and greet once a month at church, and of course I have my quilting classes every other Friday night.
Now this week I have had something going on every single night. And it is kinda freaking my kids out. Never mind that I am home with them all day long, granted with 20 million other children, but I am home. But when I go to leave they lose it. At least the two youngest do. First it starts out with just one hug and kiss, then back to doing whatever they were doing. Then it is just one more hug, this time a little longer, which eventually ends up with them chasing me outside, while Brian is holding them back screaming for Mommy.
I don't know if its an actual fear that I won't come home, that something bad will happen, or the fact that I have been home since they were babies, that they don't like the thought of me being gone. Or simply that I am not home to cater to them.
But anyways, Tuesday I was gone at a PTF meeting until 10. Wednesday I was at my bible study (which ended last night) until 10, and tonight Brian and I are both going to a meeting and then dinner so a sitter will be putting them to bed. Then tomorrow is my quilt class, which I won't be returning home until.....Yup you guessed it 10.
I am feeling extremely guilty. I know that I need sometime to do things, but I hate the meltdowns that happen when I leave, and I hate the fact that I am not home to put the kids to bed.
Next week isn't going to be much better, especially since school is starting, and the meetings are going to be happening for the next couple of weeks.
Is there anything worse than mother guilt? I dare you to find it.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Today I am going to blog about my current need for a child. Yes I realize I have 3 kids. Yes, I realized they are healthy and I should count my blessings. And I do, every single day I am grateful for my kids, their health, and their constant need to talk back and have attitude. I kid, I kid!
I am 26 now, going on 27 and this overwhelming urge to have children is encompassing my every thought. See my youngest child, William, is 3. 3! That means, that since I have started this baby making service I call pregnancy, this time frame is the longest I have gone without being pregnant.
Now I know what you are thinking. She must be one of those super cute, doesn't gain weight, easy pregnant ladies. Couldn't be further from the truth my friends. I gain on average 50 pounds with each child. My face swells to the size of a watermelon, and the last two pregnancies have been nothing but problems.
So why, you ask? Why do I insist on doing these horrible things to my body? Well for starters I love kids. How else would I be able to do daycare for an average of 8 kids 4 days a week. I also just love big families. Yes in today's day and age, a family of 5 is rather large, but I always thought I would have 5 kids. So while 3 is kind of in the middle, 4 would be more complete.
However Brian, and in case you didn't know he is my husband of 9 years, is perfectly content with 3. See we got married at 17 and 20, and have had kids since we were married. So he is finally happy that we are done with diapers, and bottles. The littlest one is going to be starting school soon and we are planning our first long vacation without the kids. Next August he wants to take a cruise. Just the two of us. Which I am very much looking for. But that means no babies this year.
And the longer we put it off, the bigger the age difference with the kids, the more I won't want to start over. I actually think its all part of his plan to not have anymore.
So as of right now, its a stand off. I'm being a good girl, not dropping the pills down the sink, and listening to his reasoning. But the urge is so strong.
But I'll check in more often and I'll update you. We shall see who wins this face off.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
1. How did you become a hockey fan? Is it a more recent passion or have you always followed the sport?
I have been a hockey fan since 1995 or so . There is just something great about the sport that I feel in love with. It is one of those great sports that I can watch on TV or in person, or listen to on the radio and still love it.
2. You became a mom at a relatively young age. Do you think it turned out to be an advantage for you or a disadvantage or in the long run did your age not make much of a difference?
I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant with Julia, and 18 when she was born. It was hard. I wasn't out of school yet, I wasn't married, and I was only a supervisor at a deli. I was so scared. But everything feel into place. Brian and I got married, we moved in together and lived happily ever after. OK maybe not so sweet and simple, but we did make it, and I don't regret a single minute of it. I don't know if age had much to do with it. I mean I did what had to be done.
3. I know you love all three of your kids but are there times when you feel closer to one or another child, perhaps due to a special circumstance at the time?
Each one of the kids has something special that brings them close. Julia was my first, and she is just like me. Same little attitude, yet very sensitive. Having her so young, made me grow up. She is also my hockey buddy. She is a huge fan, and I take her to every game that is on a weekend. She has her own jersey and everything.
Victoria was my planned baby. And also a miracle. I lost a baby before her, and then while I was pregnant with her I formed an antibody against her blood. I have O- blood, and for some reason, my blood cells think the babies blood is and infection, and tries to kill the blood cells. So making it through the pregnancy with her was difficult. She is my girly girly. Loves dress up, babies, all that stuff.
William was also a miracle baby. He was also a surprise. At 12 weeks I hemorrhaged for 3 days. The doctors did an ultrasound on the first day of hemorrhaging and informed me my body was trying to abort him, and they didn't think I would make it past the weekend. Well Monday morning he was still alive and kicking. Then I got placenta previa, which thankfully corrected itself before he was born. But I had to have an emergency c-section anyways. He is my little man. So sweet, so loving and yet all boy. He is so attached to me at this age, that I just feel so special.
4. California's your home but if you were going to move to another state, which would you prefer to move to? And what foreign country would you want to move to if you had to?
I haven't really spent time in to many states so that is a tough choice. But where ever I moved I
would have to live close to the ocean with beautiful beaches. And foreign country? France. My ancestors were from there and I would love to learn about their hometown and culture.
5. You've got a talent for quilting. Is there a part of quilt making that you like best or feel is your strongest talent? What part do you like least?
I love making quilts, but I am fairly new at it, so I don't know a lot of different types. I do love picking patterns and challenging myself. I love things that are different. I try to put a spin on things, I'm don't really want to see the same kind of quilt I just made at someones house. The part I like the least is the cutting. You have to be very precise and sometimes cutting all the fabric can take hours, and that is just so time consuming!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Pissed me right off.