Friday, August 31, 2007

Its Friday

Normally Fridays are a load of fun. Well relaxing fun at least. But this Friday, Brian is gone with my girls camping for the night and won't return until tomorrow afternoon. Which means its William and I. And to be honest people.....I'm BORED. I'm a horrible mother aren't I? Eh its just a funk....I'll snap out of it.

Lets do a shuffle and see what we get-

1. I'm Sensitive - Jewel
2. I'm not the one - The Cars
3. Lucky- Britney Spears (now that is embarrassing!)
4. Sam's Town - The Killers
5. Bling- The Killers
6. White and Nerdy- Weird Al
7. Losing my way - Justin Timberlake
8. Wheel in the sky - Journey
9. That's what friends are for- Stevie Wonder
10. I will come to you - The Hansons

Wow, well it wasn't much of a pick up, but did reveal two embarrassing music choices!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Mommy he's naked!

What? Who?!

The hermit crab, that's who. Did you know when they shed their shells to find a new home, take a bath to cool off, or just walk around, a three year old will shout about nakedness?

Oh yeah, and it was so funny. Anyone who came into the house, or would give William two seconds would get an ear full about our naked hermit crab.

Did you know hermit crabs are extremely ugly when naked? Well consider yourself told.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

School Days

So my baby started school yesterday. Preschool that is. I had no idea it was going to affect me the way it did. With the girls I wasn't an emotional mess. I took them to their little classes, did the pictures and off they went.

Not so with William. I have been trying to figure out why his first day of preschool had me in a heap of tears before midday.

The conclusion is not pretty.

By the time I was 10 years old, I played the role of mother to my sister, who at the time was 6 years old. We had parents yes, but my dad worked nights, and my mom worked into the night. So I learned to do the laundry, cook dinner, arrange my dads clothes on the bed just right, and pack our lunches for school.

It wasn't so bad, but it could explain why I don't care for making lunches, doing laundry and cooking dinner now. But that's another day.

When I was 17 years and got married I went straight from doing my mother role at my dads house, to my own house and started to do it with my husband. Then along came baby number 1, fondly called Julia. And the constant need was there. She needed me for everything, and since Brian worked nights, it was just her and I.

Then came baby number 2, Victoria. Julia was 3 1/2 when Victoria was born, so she was getting out of that stage where she needed me for everything. Granted the obvious meals, cleaning yada yada, but she didn't need me so much emotionally. She had her friends at school, her dance class, things that she enjoyed more than just being with mommy.

So Victoria was the one who needed me. And I felt complete again. William was born with Victoria was 13 days shy of being 2. He was a lovely surprise, and took up more of my need to be needed. I will admit it was difficult juggling the need of two small children, but I was in my element.

Now that Julia is 8, Victoria 5, and William 3 I'm not feeling needed so much. Of course they need me, but not the need of a tiny baby, or a struggling toddler. They are becoming independent. They are growing up.

I'm not liking it!

Well let me say, I am liking the lack of diaper. (Knock on wood, that William keeps up the good work), I am liking the lack of formula, and the teething. But I sure miss the midnight cuddles, a little baby falling asleep in your arms, the NEED.

As you can imagine I was shocked at the revelation. Only because I am supposed to be enjoying this new found freedom of motherhood. This is when my life is supposed to become easier. A little Me-time.

But who said I wanted it? I think this is how a mother of 3, or any children for that matter, and a wife, can completely lose herself in her family, and feel helpless when the time comes that the need is gone.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

One of those days

So yesterday was one of those days where everything was crazy.

It started out with going to the doctor. Victoria needed six shots for Kindergarten. So the kids and I went to the doctor. It was totally packed of course, with mothers who were doing the exact same thing as me. The Friday before school get all the shots done. Now I had no clue she needed six, and I was pretty upset when I didn't have any warning to give her some Tylenol. But she took it like a pro, screaming of course, but who wouldn't with six shots!

Then it was off to my side of the doctors to get blood drawn from me. The kids enjoyed that one. All three curled up in a ball, cringing and biting their nails as if it were them.

Then off to McDonald's to get a little sympathy lunch for Victoria. Healthy or not, it hit the spot perfectly.

Then off to the pet store to purchase some hermit crabs for the kids. Well that didn't go over so well. I had no clue what to get, so we decided to wait for daddy, and you can imagine how well that went over. Dragging three kids out of a store with no pet. Disaster!

Then home to clean. Which I did. Sorta. See I clean all the rooms that people see, in the order that they see them. I clean the front room, the the kitchen, then the bathroom, dinning room, and so on.

Dave came over, a friend of ours, and while he was here (he has no kids) he looked at me as if I was crazy, because he knows I want another. The kids were running around crazy. William who I am trying to potty train, decided to go to the bathroom. Great! Well I got distracted, and realized that he had been missing for a bit. So I go upstairs to the kids' bathroom. And the toilet was totally overflowed. An inch of water all over the floor! I was beyond mad. Not because it was an accident, but because went through this before. I had 20 minutes to clean up all the water, the tiny bits of toilet paper all over the damn floor, and rush out of the house for Julia's piano lessons.

So I clean, say good-bye to Dave, and rush the kids out to the car. Well Julia and Victoria start screaming that a chocolate milkshake spilled all over the car. OK I rush the car to start to attempt to clean it up, and the passenger door is locked and I set off the alarm. Well I can't find my keys! I'm running around like a chicken with her head cut off, and guess where the keys were. In my pocket. I seriously broke down and cried.

Well after that, the day was fairly smooth. I really don't think I could have taken much more anyways.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Mr. Sandman

Dear Mr. Sandman,

Can you please pay a visit to my kids? They are desperate for sleep. I promise to repay you.

Poor Julia, the growing pains are unbearable. She comes into my room in the middle of the night, standing over my bed whispering until I wake. The fact that she whispers into my ear to wake me, and doesn't grab and shake is very sweet. But it also brings to mind horror movies where someone is standing over you. If that doesn't give your heart a jump, I don't know what will. Her little legs are hurting her, and this is the 4Th night in a row. If you help Julia I promise to not call on you for myself.

Now I realize asking for help for Julia is a tall order. But I have one more problem. That problem being named Will. Little Will, sleep eludes him like no other child. He can only go about three hours before he is screaming for mommy. He doesn't venture downstairs like Julia. Well rather he would, but I cut him off. If I let him make it into my room, there is no turning back and he would be in bed sleeping with me. I'm not sure why he doesn't sleep. No nightmares, no growing pains, just not sleeping. And this is going on....hmmm let me think.....yeah about THREE YEARS. Three years, in 20 minute intervals, starting at 2:00am. Now I am trying to be a patient mommy. But this mommy needs some sleep too. See its not like I can nap during the day, you know work and all. So just a few nights of straight sleep would be wonderful.

I realize you are busy Mr. Sandman, but I need some sleep. Anything you can offer would be wonderful.


One tired Mommy

Monday, August 20, 2007

Honeymoon Stage

Brian and I will be married for 10 years on the 1st of August 2008. Wow. Its a little crazy to think that I'm 26 (soon to be 27) and yet married longer than my parents. (Who are obviously divorced, and moved on to second marriages.)

Brian and I have a very interesting relationship. We are truly friends and yet we love each other so much. The two of us were at a meeting on Thursday and one woman said to me, "Even though you have been married for 9 years, I can't tell. Its like your still in the honeymoon stage." And I took that as a huge compliment.

See when I was growing up, and even into my teen years, I didn't have a lot of adult relationships around me that made me desire marriage. Wait let me ref raise that. I desired marriage and a family, I just didn't know any ones marriage who I would like to mirror. No great role-model marriages I guess.

But our marriage.......Is something that was extremely rough in the beginning and yet I couldn't imagine in any different now.

Being married at 17 comes with a lot of problems. See you aren't really mature enough to understand all that goes into a marriage. Granted, I was a pretty mature 17 year old, but I still had no clue. And it wasn't just the duties of being a wife, like housework, dinners, that kind of thing, I thought once I got married all the insecurities, and jealousy would magically disappear.

Boy was I dumb.

I think I became more jealous, and more insecure. Now why I became more insecure is a complete mystery to me. Brian always praised me, never put me down, and it isn't like my looks got flushed down the toilet. But I think I lost myself in marriage, (and the fact that I was pregnant/young mom didn't help.) And the jealousy? Only made worse because instead of losing a boyfriend if something went wrong, I would lose a husband and the daddy of my child.

Well obviously a lot of time spent freaking out, and worrying about being one of those old married couples who don't show affection, even in their home let alone in public freaked me out enough to get myself calmed down and enjoy myself.

So today, we are a happy couple. Who can joke, tease, annoy each other as if they were the best of friends, or dare I say siblings. Yet we also have our inside jokes, our finishing each others thoughts, or personal times.

Are there times when jealousy and insecurities come into my life? Sure! And there are times when I still feel lost in marriage, and motherhood. Where its like I am not my own person, but that is another blog entirely.

But for today. For my marriage. I am truly happy.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Two times in one week!

Well look at this. Its my second time updating my blog in one week!

Do you ever put too much on your plate? Not food wise, but commitments? I do daycare Mon-Thurs, which isn't too much. But you can bet by the end of the day that I am tired. But on top of that, I signed up for a bible study on Wednesday nights. I am the Treasurer of our PTF (which is the same as the PTF) at my kids' school, we serve Communion and greet once a month at church, and of course I have my quilting classes every other Friday night.

Now this week I have had something going on every single night. And it is kinda freaking my kids out. Never mind that I am home with them all day long, granted with 20 million other children, but I am home. But when I go to leave they lose it. At least the two youngest do. First it starts out with just one hug and kiss, then back to doing whatever they were doing. Then it is just one more hug, this time a little longer, which eventually ends up with them chasing me outside, while Brian is holding them back screaming for Mommy.

I don't know if its an actual fear that I won't come home, that something bad will happen, or the fact that I have been home since they were babies, that they don't like the thought of me being gone. Or simply that I am not home to cater to them.

But anyways, Tuesday I was gone at a PTF meeting until 10. Wednesday I was at my bible study (which ended last night) until 10, and tonight Brian and I are both going to a meeting and then dinner so a sitter will be putting them to bed. Then tomorrow is my quilt class, which I won't be returning home until.....Yup you guessed it 10.

I am feeling extremely guilty. I know that I need sometime to do things, but I hate the meltdowns that happen when I leave, and I hate the fact that I am not home to put the kids to bed.

Next week isn't going to be much better, especially since school is starting, and the meetings are going to be happening for the next couple of weeks.

Is there anything worse than mother guilt? I dare you to find it.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Its Been a Long Time

OK its time for me to step up a bit. I have been slacking on the blogging, and I forget how soothing it is to come to the computer, poor out my guts, and not have it say a word back.

Today I am going to blog about my current need for a child. Yes I realize I have 3 kids. Yes, I realized they are healthy and I should count my blessings. And I do, every single day I am grateful for my kids, their health, and their constant need to talk back and have attitude. I kid, I kid!

I am 26 now, going on 27 and this overwhelming urge to have children is encompassing my every thought. See my youngest child, William, is 3. 3! That means, that since I have started this baby making service I call pregnancy, this time frame is the longest I have gone without being pregnant.

Now I know what you are thinking. She must be one of those super cute, doesn't gain weight, easy pregnant ladies. Couldn't be further from the truth my friends. I gain on average 50 pounds with each child. My face swells to the size of a watermelon, and the last two pregnancies have been nothing but problems.

So why, you ask? Why do I insist on doing these horrible things to my body? Well for starters I love kids. How else would I be able to do daycare for an average of 8 kids 4 days a week. I also just love big families. Yes in today's day and age, a family of 5 is rather large, but I always thought I would have 5 kids. So while 3 is kind of in the middle, 4 would be more complete.

However Brian, and in case you didn't know he is my husband of 9 years, is perfectly content with 3. See we got married at 17 and 20, and have had kids since we were married. So he is finally happy that we are done with diapers, and bottles. The littlest one is going to be starting school soon and we are planning our first long vacation without the kids. Next August he wants to take a cruise. Just the two of us. Which I am very much looking for. But that means no babies this year.

And the longer we put it off, the bigger the age difference with the kids, the more I won't want to start over. I actually think its all part of his plan to not have anymore.

So as of right now, its a stand off. I'm being a good girl, not dropping the pills down the sink, and listening to his reasoning. But the urge is so strong.

But I'll check in more often and I'll update you. We shall see who wins this face off.