Wednesday, September 21, 2005


On Good Friday, April 13 2001 I had a miscarriage. The baby was supposed to be born on October 4 2001. I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant with my second child when I had some very mild spotting.

So I called my doc and went in assuming it was nothing. My MIL wanted to go with me, which was fine but told yahoo to keep working. I am crying as I write this, which is crazy, it was over 4 years ago. But I went into the apt and the doc couldn't find a heartbeat. SO we did an ultrasound still assuming everything was fine.

Well she was looking around and we saw the baby, but she excused herself and came back with another doctor. That is when they told me the baby had died. He (I just always assumed it was a him) had probably died about 2 weeks earlier. They took pics with the ultrasound machine and gave them to me. I still have them in a box and take them out every now and then.

I never did pass him, and had to have a D&C which only added to the pain.

I will never forget that feeling. I know it is nothing like losing a child who is already born. But the pain I felt and still fell was so strong. I talk about the baby often with yahoo like expressing he would be four in a couple weeks.

Not sure what possessed me to share this, other than the fact of his bday coming up. But if you got this far thanks for reading.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Mindless meme

Ok I am taking this one from Dixie Peach

7 Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

1. Become an excellent piano player
2. Become an excellent quilter
3. Travel to Paris
4. Meet my father
5. Own a Great Dane and name him Charleston Heston
6. Have something published
7. Get over my fear of the ocean

7 Things I Can Do

1. I can play the piano a little
2. I can quilt a little
3. I can pick the next big hit off a CD
4. I can make people smile
5. I can walk in spiked heels
6. I can multitask very well
7. Make a mean spaghetti sauce

7 Things I Cannot Do

1. Speak two languages
2. Snow ski
3. Knit
4. Go in the ocean
5. Kill a spider
6. Bungee jump
7. Confront people

7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex

1. Eyes
2. Hands
3. Sense of humor
4. Sensitivity
5. Voice
6. Good conversationalist
7. Clean shaven

7 Things I Say Most Often

1. Like
2. Really
3. I love you
4. Get out
5. Wow
6. Bummer
7. Alrighty then

7 Celebrities I Find Most Attractive

1. Orlando Bloom
2. Dave Navarro
3. Vince Vaughn
4. Justin Timberlake
5. Ian Somerhalder
I can't think of anyone else haha

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

In a funk

Right now I am in a huge funk. I have so many feelings inside I don't even know where to start. My sister-in-law had a beautiful baby boy this weekend. He is just perfect! I am so happy for them. But at the sometime I am a little sad. See I already have three awesome children. They are perfect to me. Sure they are hard sometimes, but I couldn't love them more. Yet a desire for another child whispers in my ear. I don't know if this is just a passing moment but I am dealing with it.

And then my in-laws. I just feel like I am letting them down on some level. We used to be really close especially my father-in-law. But lately we have just been drifting. It is probably the normal in-law relationship now, I am just not used to it.

Wow this is turning into a rant fest! Next thing on my list. I am starting to put on weight. I have put on 10 pounds. I don't know if this is because I work from home, and I can eat all day, or if is just the lack of exercise. I literally do none. I know I should, but I have no motivation! But my pants are getting tight, and hubby has started to say stuff. Nothing bad at all, but just little things. I know he means well. I really want to be trim and fit!

Well I just looked out my window and there is a squirrel staring at me! Life isn't all bad. In fact my favorite time of year is almost here. Autumn. Time for snuggling under blankets, sweaters, leaves turning, and the smell, just the smell of fall is enough to put me in a good mood!