School Days

So my baby started school yesterday. Preschool that is. I had no idea it was going to affect me the way it did. With the girls I wasn't an emotional mess. I took them to their little classes, did the pictures and off they went.

Not so with William. I have been trying to figure out why his first day of preschool had me in a heap of tears before midday.

The conclusion is not pretty.

By the time I was 10 years old, I played the role of mother to my sister, who at the time was 6 years old. We had parents yes, but my dad worked nights, and my mom worked into the night. So I learned to do the laundry, cook dinner, arrange my dads clothes on the bed just right, and pack our lunches for school.

It wasn't so bad, but it could explain why I don't care for making lunches, doing laundry and cooking dinner now. But that's another day.

When I was 17 years and got married I went straight from doing my mother role at my dads house, to my own house and started to do it with my husband. Then along came baby number 1, fondly called Julia. And the constant need was there. She needed me for everything, and since Brian worked nights, it was just her and I.

Then came baby number 2, Victoria. Julia was 3 1/2 when Victoria was born, so she was getting out of that stage where she needed me for everything. Granted the obvious meals, cleaning yada yada, but she didn't need me so much emotionally. She had her friends at school, her dance class, things that she enjoyed more than just being with mommy.

So Victoria was the one who needed me. And I felt complete again. William was born with Victoria was 13 days shy of being 2. He was a lovely surprise, and took up more of my need to be needed. I will admit it was difficult juggling the need of two small children, but I was in my element.

Now that Julia is 8, Victoria 5, and William 3 I'm not feeling needed so much. Of course they need me, but not the need of a tiny baby, or a struggling toddler. They are becoming independent. They are growing up.

I'm not liking it!

Well let me say, I am liking the lack of diaper. (Knock on wood, that William keeps up the good work), I am liking the lack of formula, and the teething. But I sure miss the midnight cuddles, a little baby falling asleep in your arms, the NEED.

As you can imagine I was shocked at the revelation. Only because I am supposed to be enjoying this new found freedom of motherhood. This is when my life is supposed to become easier. A little Me-time.

But who said I wanted it? I think this is how a mother of 3, or any children for that matter, and a wife, can completely lose herself in her family, and feel helpless when the time comes that the need is gone.