Bang

Life after suicide is a funny thing. You start to hear all of those jokes, or referances to ending it all, and all of a sudden you are beyond sensitive to them. I can't be angry with people about these things. How could I? But it sucks. It seems like daily someone is joking about hanging themselves. I admit I am overly sensitive. It isn't anyones fault. But it sucks.

Suicide

There is no easy way to breach this subject. Recently my happy, playful, energetic uncle took his life. He was 52 years old. He had led a difficult life. Drugs and alohol off and on, couldn't really hold down a job for very long. But he was, at least on the outside, one of the happiest guys I knew. He would always be the first to help you with something if you needed it. He was always the one down on the floor playing with the kids. And he was always the one making jokes and laughing.

It is so sad to think of the pain he must have been hiding, the pain that was just below the surface. It nearly breaks me in two to think that he was in so much pain, but couldn't turn to anyone. Could not bring himself to just talk to us.

The details are too hard to talk about right now. Emotions too raw. But I will. Just not sure when.

Target just ain't going to cut it

Scene one- I am taking my beautiful 11 year old daughter to her new school. We are starting Jr. High and she is going into the sixth grade. Our car is full of nervous energy. Julia slowly stops talking as we approach the school. We pull into the very long driveway. Teachers are standing on the side of the driveway with signs "Welcome Back" "We Missed you" "Have a great first day!" How nice I think! This school is going to rock.

And let me say that I'm sure it will. I did a lot of research on schools. We have attended private school since Julia was in preschool. There were a number of different reasons, class sizes, religion, extra attention, and a small community feel to just name some.

And this new school was a great school.

We get out of the car after a little convincing "I don't want to leave until I see Natalie".....and we head to her classroom. All around us are adorable kids in their uniforms. Some excited to get to class, some could care less.

And then I look at the moms and dads. And its my turn to get nervous. Every car is sparkling clean. Lexus, BMW, Land Rovers, Mercedes. Every outfit is Armani, Nordstrom, Bloomingdale's. Every ring is 2+ carats. Not a single sweatsuit, messy pony tail.

I need to say that I don't care to fit in. I don't care if my wedding ring is modest, I don't care if my jeans aren't Citizens of Humanity, and I don't care that I drive a Yukon. I don't go out in sweatpants, and I always make sure I look presentable. I am a bargain shopper. I like Target and I like Old Navy. I think $36 for a shirt is stupid.

But I wasn't expecting to be thrown into this batch of perfect parents. I felt.....like I was an outcast before we even started the school. I felt like I was being judged before we even made it to the hallway. Not by the parents themselves, but there was a distinct difference between myself and them.

Never have I wanted to run to the store and spend loads of money on clothes so fast. But I didn't. I went home, did an exercise video, and took a nap. But Anthropologie is calling my name. Macys, Nordstroms, Neiman Marcus.

What's a girl to do?! Would you conform a little for the sake of fitting in and making friends? Or be the standout, but not in a good way.

Love Stinks

Love stinks and the economy sucks.

Ok love doesn't really stink, but I needed an intro.

The economy on the other hand, does suck. Its squeezing the life out of me and my family.

The last four weeks I have sat in front of my computer looking at job after job. I have even sent in my resume to a few. But I have to admit I'm not trying to hard. Why? Well because the amount of money I would have to make to put my kids into daycare and bring home the bacon is insane. Currently I'm a little spoiled. I work from home doing daycare. So I don't have to pay anyone. If one of my kids is sick I'm not missing work, I get paid time off, summer time I don't have to scramble for a sitter.

But daycare isn't paying the bills. Let me say that I don't charge what normal people do. I charge about half. Which is my fault. But I haven't raised my rates in 10 years and now I'm afraid to. I have no idea how to go about increasing rates of my current clients. And there have been no new families knocking down my door lately.

But everytime I send out that resume. Everytime I call for that interview I think about the money. I really don't know how people do it.

I thought we learned to share in preschool

But apparently I missed that day. Hey I didn't even go to preschool! That could explain a lot....

Anyways! I hate sharing certain things. I hate sharing my nice shoes, my expensive dresses, jewelry and purses. Not even with family. I'm mean. Mean I tell you!

I am your typical bargain shopper. I usually purchase my clothes at Target. Buy backpacks from Old Navy and my shoes I keep forever. I never spend $100 on jeans (excpet that one time) and I never buy $70 t-shirts.

The one thing I do splurge on dresses. Ok two things, shoes. When I need a dress for a wedding, or a nice occasion I will usually spend $150-$200. Still not a ton of money! But a lot of money to me. And shoes.....I will buy Payless if I can find the right ones, but usually I buy Macys. So average $60-$100 for shoes. Again not a lot of money.

But they are mine. And they are my fancy clothes! And I don't wanna share! (jumping up and down like a two year old)

I have certain family memebers who don't always take care of their things. Or other peoples things for that matter. It isn't on purpose of course, they just aren't as careful as I would be. And I got a call this morning asking if I had any fancy dresses. If one could be borrowed. Do you know what I did?

I lied. I lied and said I didn't have any! Another preschool lesson I could have used. Thanks mom and dad.

I lied because I didn't want to share. I lied because this person who wanted to borrow my clothes isn't the same size as me. And I lied because the dresses are my favorite and are no longer made and I can't replace them.

But I feel bad. I feel bad that I lied. And I feel bad that I didn't even give her the option to try the clothes on to see if they would fit. And I feel bad that I am considering hiding them when she comes over tomorrow.

Maybe someday I will grow up. Maybe someday I will share. Maybe someday I will learn not to lie. Or maybe I should just be glad I sent my kids to preschool.

True or False

True or False?

I do not like my job

True or False?

I got married when I was 17

True or False?

I was 3 months pregnant when I graduated high school

True or False?

I detest my neighbors

True or False?

I love dark and depressing music

True or False?

My sister is my best friend

True or False?

I read gossip websites

True or False?

I have never met my biological father

True or False?

All of my siblings are half or step

True or False?

I've had 6 piercings

True or False?

I dream of death constantly

True or False?

I have never broken a bone

True or False?

I have had a miscarriage

True or False?

My son is not supposed to be alive today

True or False?

I never go to bed before 11:00pm

True or False?

My house is messy

True or False?

Everything on this list

True.

12 years

12 years ago I walked down the aisle of our church. In a long white dress, with my long white gloves.

We were so young and you were so handsome.

A small ceremony, a great reception, and a long drive to our honeymoon and we were on the long road to being a married couple.

I'm so glad we took the steps, so glad we endured the hardships, so glad we are still happy.

So glad you love me.

Dear Mama

Its been one week since you went home.

I miss you more than words can say.

Six years. Thats way to long to not see each other. My kids finally know you. The will remember you. You were able to see my house, my family. Everything I have worked so hard for. You loved everything. You made it known how proud you are of me.

I wasn't able to do the same for you.

Two years ago when Ken left you. When he broke your heart and you were thrown into a world of raising an eleven year old son, working nights, and supporting yourself. While your family was three thousand miles away.

I was so worried. I was worried that you couldn't do it. Worried you would fall back into your old darkness of drugs, alcohol, anger, depression. You proved me wrong. And I am glad you did.

You rose from the ashes of that torn relationship. The lies and hurt that were thrown at you. The anger you must have felt, the lonliness. You conquered them all. It is the first time in your life that you are on your own. Both in a relationshiop and financially, and you are doing amazing.

I feel like I'm watching one of my child, the pride I have fills my heart.

But I didn't tell you. And I don't know why. I am sorry for that and I can only hope that telling you know will have the same affect that it would have if I told you while sitting with you. While holding your hand. While looking in your eyes.

I love you. I am so beyond proud of you. I am so lucky to have a mom like you.

CH-CH-CH-Changes

Every three months or so I get this really antsty feeling. Like something needs to change. My hair is usually at the top of the list. Followed by a tattoo and then something to do with the house.

It should be noted that I have zero tattoos. Not because I'm against them, but because I want to put something meaningful on my body.

Right now I'm sitting at my kitchen desk, dreaming of the Pottery Barn quilt that isn't on sale, picturing where I would put a tattoo and trying to figure out how I can change my hair. Its doubtful I will do anything. But I still long to do something.

What do you do when you get that antsy feeling?

5th Grade Graduation

My baby girl graduated from elementary school last night. She is off to the big world of Jr High. How does time go by so fast? I can remember bringing her home from the hospital! She has been at her current school for 7 years. She attended preschool there, and her brother and sister will continue there. Its the end of an era, the last time all three kids will be at the same school. I'm a bit sad this morning.

Congrats sweet love.

Crazy Hair Day

I will let the picture do the talking!

Uniquely Yours?

Uniquely

I tend to like things that are different. Not ugly, although some of my friends would call it ugly. But....different. I don't want to walk into someones house and see something of "mine" there. That is why it takes me forever to find just the right piece of furniture. And then I will not part with it.

My favorite piece of furniture is my bed. I had been looking for a bed for literally years. Obviously we had a mattress and box springs, but we didn't have a head or foot board. And I wasn't willing to just go to the store and buy one. It had to be something pretty yet masculine, newer but not so new I would cry if it got a scratch.

And so the great Craigslist search ensued. And for months, years I looked. And looked, and looked. Until finally my dream came true. A CalKing (which make it harder to find btw) was posted. And I had to hurry! I emailed the guy, drove 45 minutes to his house and feel in love. It cost me $300 but it was the best money on furniture I could have spent. Its beautiful. And I have never seen anything like it, which makes it the real winner.

Something I finished

This is Cooper's quilt. Cooper is a little boy who I watch. His parents are also good friends of ours.

I really enjoyed making this quilt. It is one of the first quilts I did completely on my own. The instructions were a bit confusing at times, but overall it was great. And I just can't get over the colors. They worked perfect!

I'm trying to gear myself up to start a new project. The only problem is, I put all of my quilting stuff away. Usually it sits on my dining room table, but since we had a family birthday this weekend I had to put it all away. And it looks so nice!

I haven't done a "Not Me Monday" in a really long time, but in an effort to blog more here it goes.

Not once during the family party this weekend did I want to smack a certain annoying family memeber. Nope!

I never considering quiting my current job in search for another despite the money difference.

I would never wish for a parent to pick their child up early. I mean I am getting paid to watch their child!

I certainly didn't eat a piece of birthday cake for dinner!

And there is no way, wouldn't consider, asking my daughters team mother what exactly she does, since I'm doing one of her main jobs.

You can visit MckMama who starting the "not me" by clicking the logo up top. And read many other "Not Me's" It makes me feel better!

Fail, epic fail

If your wondering what my title refers to, don't bother. And don't read my last post; ) I don't know why I bother making promises. I can't keep them obviously! The good news is I have taken some pictures and even downloaded them, I just didn't blog.

A lot has recently happened. I was voted in as PTF President at my kids school. I signed my oldest up for Jr high. My baby turned six, and my middle one lost two teeth. I also finished another quilt. Now that I have learned to blog from my phone, hopefully I will update more.

Pictures

I am horrible at taking pictures. I don't really know why. Cameras aren't the issue, I always have one. Subjects aren't the issue, with three kids, two dogs and daycare I should have a lot of opportunities.

I just never think about it. But when I do I get a little depressed knowing that I don't have tons of pictures to document the lives of my family.

So even though its been done, and it is kind of boring I'm forcing myself to take a picture and post it everyday. The hard part is going to be uploading. While I can take pictures I suck at getting them on the computer.

So here is goes. Starting tomorrow I hope to have a picture up!

Won't You Be My Neighbor

Neighbors suck.

No really they do. I have no idea why they hate us. We are quiet, never have parties, keep our yards nice and clean....what more could you want?

Since we moved in 3.5 years ago we have had nothing but issues. The first issue was my husbands company van. The neighbors didn't want it parked on the street. It didn't matter that they have a broken down old as dirt green truck parked in the street. They didn't want a nice, new, clean white van out there.

Then it was the chickens. Yes we have five chickens. In a coop mind you. No rosters. Oh but our chickens are noisy and smelly and we don't like them. They are in our backyard and we keep in clean so suck it people.

Now its our dog. I am home ALL day long. I literally leave for 30 minutes in the morning, and 30 minutes in the afternoon. The dogs are outside in a kennel on the side of the house. Apparently they bark sometimes. What freaking dog doesn't?! But my dogs bark is so bad that they have to call the cops.

Well the justice of that dear neighbors, is that the cop comes and sits outside. Comes to my door sypathizes because he has the same dog and then tells me he hasn't heard anything, so have a nice day ma'am.

Thats right spinless neighbors. Cops are on my side. So again. SUCK IT.

Have a nice day :)

Strep

Sorry for the absense!

And this post isn't going to be long either.

We have been hit hard in this house by strepthroat. First William, then Victoria, now Julia.

Lets just hope I don't get it or you may never see me again ;)

Pomegranate Jelly

I love pomegranates. Who doesn't? The yummy tartness of the seeds are just perfect for making Jelly. Now pomegranate jelly isn't that hard. It can be extremely time consuming though. At least the way I used to do it. I have a new and improved way!

First you are going to need about 10 pomegranates. I am lucky enough to have in-laws with a tree, so I don't have to purchase them, because they can be pricey.

Now the time consuming part is getting the seeds out of the pomegranates. The outer layer is pretty bitter so you don't want to try pressing the seeds out. You want to scoop them out. I used to soak the whole pomegranate in water, and while wearing gloves remove the membrane from the seeds. This would take forever. Now, thanks to a friend watching a cooking show. I simply cut the pomegranates in half, and pound the back with a large spoon. Its that easy. De seeding one pomegranate takes about 3 minutes, vs 20-30 minutes of the old way.





Once you have all of the seeds you are going to need to crush the seeds to get the juice. I used to put the seeds in a cone shaped colander (I'm sure there is a fancy name that I don't know) and pound and push and crush the seeds with a long tool that looks like a rolling pin. Again, not sure of the fancy name. Recently I have found that you can put the seeds into a food processor, run that baby for a few seconds. Then put your seeds/juice into a cheese cloth and drain the juice.




Once you have your juice (about 4 cups) Your ready to start cooking the jelly. Now would be a good time to place your canning jars into the heating cycle of your dishwasher. The hotter the jars, the better the seal. Also start boiling your water for the lids.



Place the pomegranate juice, 1/4 lemon juice in a large pan. Add some pectin. Stir over high heat. Keep stirring, or your jelly will burn. Once the rolling boil comes, a boil that cannot be stirred down, add 5 cups of sugar. Let boil hard for about 2 minutes and then remove from the heat. Your going to notice a film over the top, just remove that with a spoon, and then start filling up your jars. Leave about 1/2 an inch from the top.

Allow the jars to cool, and soon enough you will hear the seal of the jars. Enjoy!

Oh Animal

Happy Hump Day.