Bang

Life after suicide is a funny thing. You start to hear all of those jokes, or referances to ending it all, and all of a sudden you are beyond sensitive to them. I can't be angry with people about these things. How could I? But it sucks. It seems like daily someone is joking about hanging themselves. I admit I am overly sensitive. It isn't anyones fault. But it sucks.

Suicide

There is no easy way to breach this subject. Recently my happy, playful, energetic uncle took his life. He was 52 years old. He had led a difficult life. Drugs and alohol off and on, couldn't really hold down a job for very long. But he was, at least on the outside, one of the happiest guys I knew. He would always be the first to help you with something if you needed it. He was always the one down on the floor playing with the kids. And he was always the one making jokes and laughing.

It is so sad to think of the pain he must have been hiding, the pain that was just below the surface. It nearly breaks me in two to think that he was in so much pain, but couldn't turn to anyone. Could not bring himself to just talk to us.

The details are too hard to talk about right now. Emotions too raw. But I will. Just not sure when.

Target just ain't going to cut it

Scene one- I am taking my beautiful 11 year old daughter to her new school. We are starting Jr. High and she is going into the sixth grade. Our car is full of nervous energy. Julia slowly stops talking as we approach the school. We pull into the very long driveway. Teachers are standing on the side of the driveway with signs "Welcome Back" "We Missed you" "Have a great first day!" How nice I think! This school is going to rock.

And let me say that I'm sure it will. I did a lot of research on schools. We have attended private school since Julia was in preschool. There were a number of different reasons, class sizes, religion, extra attention, and a small community feel to just name some.

And this new school was a great school.

We get out of the car after a little convincing "I don't want to leave until I see Natalie".....and we head to her classroom. All around us are adorable kids in their uniforms. Some excited to get to class, some could care less.

And then I look at the moms and dads. And its my turn to get nervous. Every car is sparkling clean. Lexus, BMW, Land Rovers, Mercedes. Every outfit is Armani, Nordstrom, Bloomingdale's. Every ring is 2+ carats. Not a single sweatsuit, messy pony tail.

I need to say that I don't care to fit in. I don't care if my wedding ring is modest, I don't care if my jeans aren't Citizens of Humanity, and I don't care that I drive a Yukon. I don't go out in sweatpants, and I always make sure I look presentable. I am a bargain shopper. I like Target and I like Old Navy. I think $36 for a shirt is stupid.

But I wasn't expecting to be thrown into this batch of perfect parents. I felt.....like I was an outcast before we even started the school. I felt like I was being judged before we even made it to the hallway. Not by the parents themselves, but there was a distinct difference between myself and them.

Never have I wanted to run to the store and spend loads of money on clothes so fast. But I didn't. I went home, did an exercise video, and took a nap. But Anthropologie is calling my name. Macys, Nordstroms, Neiman Marcus.

What's a girl to do?! Would you conform a little for the sake of fitting in and making friends? Or be the standout, but not in a good way.

Love Stinks

Love stinks and the economy sucks.

Ok love doesn't really stink, but I needed an intro.

The economy on the other hand, does suck. Its squeezing the life out of me and my family.

The last four weeks I have sat in front of my computer looking at job after job. I have even sent in my resume to a few. But I have to admit I'm not trying to hard. Why? Well because the amount of money I would have to make to put my kids into daycare and bring home the bacon is insane. Currently I'm a little spoiled. I work from home doing daycare. So I don't have to pay anyone. If one of my kids is sick I'm not missing work, I get paid time off, summer time I don't have to scramble for a sitter.

But daycare isn't paying the bills. Let me say that I don't charge what normal people do. I charge about half. Which is my fault. But I haven't raised my rates in 10 years and now I'm afraid to. I have no idea how to go about increasing rates of my current clients. And there have been no new families knocking down my door lately.

But everytime I send out that resume. Everytime I call for that interview I think about the money. I really don't know how people do it.

I thought we learned to share in preschool

But apparently I missed that day. Hey I didn't even go to preschool! That could explain a lot....

Anyways! I hate sharing certain things. I hate sharing my nice shoes, my expensive dresses, jewelry and purses. Not even with family. I'm mean. Mean I tell you!

I am your typical bargain shopper. I usually purchase my clothes at Target. Buy backpacks from Old Navy and my shoes I keep forever. I never spend $100 on jeans (excpet that one time) and I never buy $70 t-shirts.

The one thing I do splurge on dresses. Ok two things, shoes. When I need a dress for a wedding, or a nice occasion I will usually spend $150-$200. Still not a ton of money! But a lot of money to me. And shoes.....I will buy Payless if I can find the right ones, but usually I buy Macys. So average $60-$100 for shoes. Again not a lot of money.

But they are mine. And they are my fancy clothes! And I don't wanna share! (jumping up and down like a two year old)

I have certain family memebers who don't always take care of their things. Or other peoples things for that matter. It isn't on purpose of course, they just aren't as careful as I would be. And I got a call this morning asking if I had any fancy dresses. If one could be borrowed. Do you know what I did?

I lied. I lied and said I didn't have any! Another preschool lesson I could have used. Thanks mom and dad.

I lied because I didn't want to share. I lied because this person who wanted to borrow my clothes isn't the same size as me. And I lied because the dresses are my favorite and are no longer made and I can't replace them.

But I feel bad. I feel bad that I lied. And I feel bad that I didn't even give her the option to try the clothes on to see if they would fit. And I feel bad that I am considering hiding them when she comes over tomorrow.

Maybe someday I will grow up. Maybe someday I will share. Maybe someday I will learn not to lie. Or maybe I should just be glad I sent my kids to preschool.

True or False

True or False?

I do not like my job

True or False?

I got married when I was 17

True or False?

I was 3 months pregnant when I graduated high school

True or False?

I detest my neighbors

True or False?

I love dark and depressing music

True or False?

My sister is my best friend

True or False?

I read gossip websites

True or False?

I have never met my biological father

True or False?

All of my siblings are half or step

True or False?

I've had 6 piercings

True or False?

I dream of death constantly

True or False?

I have never broken a bone

True or False?

I have had a miscarriage

True or False?

My son is not supposed to be alive today

True or False?

I never go to bed before 11:00pm

True or False?

My house is messy

True or False?

Everything on this list

True.

12 years

12 years ago I walked down the aisle of our church. In a long white dress, with my long white gloves.

We were so young and you were so handsome.

A small ceremony, a great reception, and a long drive to our honeymoon and we were on the long road to being a married couple.

I'm so glad we took the steps, so glad we endured the hardships, so glad we are still happy.

So glad you love me.